Be Brave
by dshh
Summary: Picks up where 506 left off. Some of the story will include spoilers from the show. This is a fill in fic that talks about Rafael's journey to self-love and his road back to Jane.
1. Chapter 1

**Be Brave**

**Chapter 1: **

In the recesses of his mind, he knew chasing liquor with his sleeping meds was a bad idea. Everything felt off-kilter and topsy-turvy. He sat there on his couch staring at the tv blankly. The pills on the coffee table and a bottle scotch in his right hand. He stared at his hand and for a moment, he realized this must be how Luisa felt. Out of control and losing a fighting battle. He stared at the bottle in his hand and dropped it.

The crash of glass on the wooden floor bringing him out of his fog of self-pity. This was not the way to achieve self-care. More than anything, he wanted to go back to the man that he was last year. A man who didn't need booze or pills to feel like; someone who he thought he couldn't ever go back to thought he had put those habits behind him. Self-medicating was nothing new to him. But, it had been years since he felt like he needed to resort to such measures. But, here he was sitting in the dark, drinking and sulking about yet another destroyed had let himself get caught up in the emotional roller coaster that is Jane Gloriana Villanueva. Deep down Rafael knew that she wasn't the reason for his melancholy, but in the moment-he needed someone to blame. A reason for this overwhelming feeling of sadness that was enveloping him.

"Grow the fuck up and be a man!" said a voice behind him. He turned to see his father or some image his psyche had dredged up of his father. Although, he wasn't really his father, but the only one he had ever known.

"What?"Rafael replied angrily.

"You heard what I said. Grow the fuck up and be man!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means gets your ass off the couch and get your shit together. I didn't raise no loser."

Rafael threw the bottle across the room and suddenly the haunting image of his father was gone and a startled Mateo came out of his room. He stared at his son and in that moment he knew that he'd screwed up.

"Go back to bed, Matteo. I dropped something. It's fine."

The young boy rubbed sleep from his eyes and groggily moved closer to where his father stood. "Papa, are you sad? You look sad all the time? Is mommy making you sad?"

"No, mama isn't making me sad. I'm just tired, so I need you to go bed so Daddy can get some rest."

Rafael picked him and carried him back to bed. Read him a story and once he was asleep, he knew what he had to do. Drinking himself until he was numb was no longer an option for him. He needed to be strong for Matteo and the girls. He was a father and despite his sadness, he knew that they had to come first.

A few days later, he was thumbing through a magazine that was laid out for patients as they waited to see the doctor. He looked to his right and an older woman with long hair was crying into a napkin. On his left, was a gentlemen playing with a piece of string. Rafael's first instinct was to get up and walk out that door. He felt like he was surrounded by crazy people. He knew he wasn't crazy, but he knew that his current coping mechanisms were not healthy and he wanted to change. Rafael nervously tapped on the edge of the seat and kept staring at the clock repeatedly. In his head, everything was playing on a loop and he wasn't sure if coming here was the right decision. Just as he had decided to get up and leave the nurse or receptionist called his name. She wasn't wearing what nurses usually wore, but his knowledge of psychiatrists were limited to the name of the person who subscribed Luisa's meds.

He followed the woman into a spacious room with a leather couch. He took a seat and and nervously tapped his foot. The psychiatrist was a man just a few years older than he was which made Rafael immediately distrust him. How much could he really know if he was so young. His mind was spinning and he sat there staring off in space he tried to control his swirling thoughts.

"Just let me know when you are ready to get outside of your head,"the man said as he crossed his legs. He wore brown slacks and a sweatervest.

Rafael surveyed him carefully. It was as if he was searching for flaw something to justify why he should leave.

"It's normal to be nervous on the first visit. Let's start with a few basic things. My name is Dr. Rothschild. But, you can call me David."

"David. Nice to meet you,"Rafael said as he put on his salesman charm.

The Doctor shook his head. "You don't have to do that."

"Do what?"

"Charm me. It's unnecessary. Why don't you tell me why you chose to reach out?"

Rafael wasn't sure if he was ready for all of this talking. "I'm not very good at all of this. But, I know I am not coping very well with things and I thought maybe you could help. But, now I'm thinking it was a bad idea. I just need to sleep. I haven't bene sleeping very well."

David nodded his head as he took notes on his ipad. He expected an actual notebook, but everything was so high tech these days.

"I'm not crazy."

"I didn't say that you were."

"But, you were thinking it or you should be. Heck, I'm surprised that I've managed to keep my sanity with everything that's happened."

Rafael ran his hands through his hair and leant forward. He wasn't sure he was ready to pour out his life story to this man. But, he knew that he needed to talk to someone so he started with Jane. David just sat there taking notes and nodding. Occasionally he would ask a probing question and before he realized it, the hour was up and the doctor asked him to come back next week.

Rafael left the doctor's office feeling a little lighter, but the overwhelming feeling of sadness was still there. He had a feeling that it would take a lot to make the dull ache of pain in his chest go away.

Rafael found himself going back to see David the following week which led to him agreeing to two appointments a week. Jane had shown up on his doorstep just after he had started taking his antidepressants. At first, Rafael was resisting take the medication because he never saw himself as the poster boy for depression. But, according to David, it was more common than he thought. But, it definitely took a toll on his body. He found himself oversleeping, being overly cranky and generally moody which surprised him because he expected that it would make him magically feel better.

He is sitting on the living room floor trying the breathing exercises that David recommended when he is interrupted by a knock on the door. The last time he found himself doing this was when he was dating Catalina and she had convinced him to do yoga. But, this was supposed to help him clear his head and somehow mediation was a lot easier to wrap his mind around then those ridiculous excercises that Catalina had him doing.

He opened the door and is breath caught in his throat because standing there was Jane and she was saying all the things he had needed to hear weeks ago. But, now he wasn't ready to hear it or even willing to believe it. He needed to protect himself. So, he steeled himself. His jaw was set tight as he took in everything she had to say.

"You are my now, my tomorrow, my always,"Jane said breathlessly. She tried to get it all out as quickly as she could.

_Is she fucking kidding? I can't do this right now. I'm trying to get my shit together and here she is with some grand declaration. I'm done with this shit! I need to not let myself get sucked in by her again. _

"It's too late,"he responds sadly. The heartbroken look on her face makes him want to take it all back and hold her in his arms, but he knows that he can't allow himself to open himself up to her again. He needs to focus on his needs and that of his children.

"I just don't trust you,"he says frankly and closes the door. Rafael turns around and he makes it as far as the couch when he finally breaks down.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Rafael Solano was a highly emotional being. Although, it was not considered to be very manly, he was prone to bouts loneliness, fear, and crying was not something new to him. Nor, was losing control a new experience for him. But the sheer pain and anguish he felt after Jane left his doorstep was certainly new. He was beginning to question the decision that he had made earlier. Was he being too hard on her? Was he rash? But, deep down he knew that the likelihood of her breaking his heart was still there. Michael would forever be the elephant in the room. While she didn't elaborate on her trip to Montana, the very idea that she'd spent the last few days with him bothered him and to Rafael it spoke of how little she valued what they had.

Rafael was still sitting on the floor with his head in his hands when he heard the door creak open. The click of heels made him look up. A part of him wondered if Jane had come back-unwilling to take no for an answer. But instead he saw his sister.

"Rafael are you okay? You didn't answer my calls, so I decided to come check on you."

Luisa adjusted her dress and sat down on the floor next to him. She reached for Rafael's hand and held it in hers. She could feel his pain. She waited a beat before asking him what was wrong.

"Have you been seeing the doctor that I told you about? What happened?"

Rafael wiped the tears from his face and told her about Jane's visit and how it had unexpectedly gutted him. He was thrown by the level of pain that it would cause him. Luisa let him talk and once he had let it all out, she explained that part of the process was allowing yourself to just feel things. That the pain would come and go, but that he would learn to cope.

Rafael leaned on his big sister and let her hold him before he found himself able to get up and be halfway normal. Once he was on his feet again, he offered her a cup of tea and they sat in his makeshift living room talking about all sorts of things. Luisa knew it was a big deal that he was even allowing her back into his life.

"You should go. I don't want Matteo to wake up and be confused."

"Are you ever going to let me see him?"

Rafael looked at her softly. He wanted to do that more than anything, but he knew it wasn't going to be so easy.

"It's not up to me. Just give me some time. I am still getting used to having you around on a regular basis."

Luisa smiled sadly. But Rafael was not really sure that some tender brother/sister bonding was enough to trust her with his children and he definitely couldn't let her have access to them without running it by Jane and Petra. Jane for one would not be very willing to have her son in Luisa's life. So, it was something he was going to have to work up to.

*****  
The next few days were a comedy of errors. Not even Shakespeare himself could come up with this level of ridiculousness. Rafael had decided to put some distance between Jane and himself. He needed time to let the emotions settle before having anything beyond perfunctory contact with her. The pain was still too raw. David also insisted that he stay away from any kind of relationship for the first six months of his treatment. According to him, romantic relationships affect mood to easily for someone who is undergoing treatment. He also said that he needed to look at his coping strategies and too often he used relationships or sex as a way to manage his pain. So, instead Rafael was trying to figure out better, healthier ways to cope with stress. First off, was throwing himself into work followed by an attempt at trying to learn time by himself. He started keeping a journal. He would write down his thoughts in a little notebook whenever he was feeling low. It was strange putting these emotions down on paper. He was writing in his journal one afternoon when he decided to get a glass of water. As he was coming back from the kitchen, he got a text from Jane. Just as he had received it, he heard the honk of a car outside his building and there she was trying to hide from him. Rafael frowned down at her and walked back to his bedroom. He wrote down some of the things running through his mind. The hardest part of this whole process was how he would go from being angry to missing her in an instance. It would be so easy to just give in and decide to be with her. But, even if they were to patch things up, it wasn't like they could be together. He wasn't in the place to be with anyone and he had decided it was best for their son if they kept things platonic. But, Jane clearly didn't agree with him.

The next few days, she was acting weird erratic. Just when he thought they might be on the same page, she went and put his job at risk by organizing a romantic dinner at one of the houses he was showing. To say he was angry would be putting it lightly. Normally, Rafael would take a moment an write an entry in his journal. But, he was so upset with her. Outside of the rental, he was fuming. He couldn't understand why it was so hard for her to respect his decision. He yelled at her to move on and afterwards once the anger had dissipated he regretted being so harsh. He imagined Jane saying something like that to him years ago. He knew there was another way to say things.

Later that night, he showed up at her grandmother's house. Jane was surprised to see him. But, a part of her was hopeful. It had to be a good sign that he had come to see her.

"I wanted to talk about what happened earlier."

Jane motioned for them to sit on the swing. Rafael looked down at his shoes as they swung back and forth. The motion was comforting to him.

"I am sorry if I was harsh. I should not have gotten angry like that. But I need you to understand that you can't do things like that Jane. We need to focus on Matteo and being coparents."

Jane swallowed a lump in her throat and fought back tears. "I understand and I am sorry. Are you in a lot of trouble at work?

"No, not too much. They just warned me never to do something like that again."

"I'm glad everything is okay at work," Jane said. They sat there quietly sitting side by side for a little while longer. The wind was blowing Jane's face all over and Rafael couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked. He looked at her beat before turning away and getting up to leave. Jane watched him leave. She knew now that he still loved her, but the pain of everything that had happened was not going to make it easy for him to forgive her.

********  
Once Rafael got home, he was surprised to see Petra and the twins waiting for them. Petra was worried about the girls being at the hotel because of the intruder so she insisted they stay with him.

"Of course, they can stay here. Come on girls. Go inside and get ready for bed. If you're quick, I'll let you play on the iPad for 20 minutes."

"Rafael, you need to stop spoiling them."

"They're already spoiled"

"Thanks for doing this, Raf. Also, why are not you back with Jane yet. She told me that she made a big declaration and you turned her down."

"Petra stay out of it!"

"Just don't be stupid. The two of you are exhausting. Make sure they use their face masks before bed."

"I will. Goodnight Petra," he said before hugging her goodbye.

*****  
Rafael read a story to the girls and tucked them into bed. After he got ready for bed, he got out his notebook and he started writing down a few thoughts. For the first time in over a week, they were no longer negative. He had positive things to say. He closed his journal with a smile and went to bed feeling a little lighter.


End file.
